Proper diSpencetia

Crosby Shoots Pucks, Tounges Balls

2009-05-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

Sidney is a Gay name. Its like his parents were stubborn about finding out the sex of their child, but wanted to name it anyway. A unisex baby name book. GAY! Ironic that he got such a gay name, as he is in fact, a flamer. He does seem to enjoy the DONG!

Welcome to DC, Sidney. We don't like you and our disdain grows with every tear shed and load swallowed. Your technique will never equal that of Svetlana.

Peezdetts Suka Blayyt, Sidney Crosby.

Lastly, High Five to Flyer Fans for this t-shirt available at phillyphaithful.com. Another valuable website, crosbysucks.com

A Monkey Paw to you, sir.

Can't Poot Here!!!

2009-03-25T09:19:00.000-07:00

It seems that it is not only all of the retirees in Florida that have trouble controlling their body functions.

An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas (see here).

Tax dollars at work…Florida Fart Police.

The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus on March 16 to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe. The bus driver handed the teen the suspension form the next day.

Polk County school officials said there's no rule against flatulence, but there are rules against causing a disturbance on the bus.

The teen, Jonathan Locke Jr., said he wasn't the culprit.

"It wasn't even me," Locke told The Ledger newspaper. "It was a kid who sits in front of me."

Hmmm…seems like whoever smelt it, dealt it!!!

Whether he did it or not, he might have gotten off easy. A 13-year-old student at a Stuart school was arrested in November after authorities said he broke wind in class.

Dammit Florida...CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!!

Are we just too Aware?

2009-03-19T06:23:00.000-07:00

Don't know why, but this was funny to me as I got into the elevator this morning:

It seems like every cause imaginable has a month of awareness dedicated to it. A quick GOOGLE search found that also sharing March are:

Reading Month
National Nutrition Month
Women's History Month
Kidney Month
Fraud Awareness Month (which is just enjoyably ironic in this economy)
AND AND AND...Colo-Rectal Cancer Awareness Month, duh!

Talk about invasive...geez!

Does it take being sponsored by a month to make a cause legitimate... or important?

Moose-Knuckle Ball

2009-03-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

The Washington Nationals are Major League Baseball’s Fat Girl, and you’re Drunk!

Julian Tavares, Metaphor King, on signing with the Nationals (article here).

“Why did I sign with the Nationals?” Tavarez said told a group of reporters. “When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you’re just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J. Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It’s 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me.”

That’s right! You’re wasted, you’re desperate, you’ll take whatever you can get. That’s why you take home the fat girl (or the shitty team). You’re not a little inebriated and look at a horrendously fat chick and say… “wow, I want to go home with this “lots to love” lady and help her turn her life around...I want to be a part of that, even if its just for tonight” Its pretty much the only thing left short of a Costco sized bottle of Jergens.

Nobody chooses to play for the Nationals if there is a better, higher paying team out there. Give Tavares credit. At least he’s honest. Better than say, Adam Dunn, who described signing with the Nationals as (here) … “I think it will be a better feel of accomplishment to help turn the program around than go [to a place] that is established.” See that just sounds like Bullshit.

Hi five, Julian Tavares for banging the Fat Chick...she sure does look hot when she's the only one wanting to take you home. You're my favorite National.

Ooops, you crapped your plate!

2009-03-05T06:27:00.000-08:00

Confucius say..."This food looks like shit!"

Actually it does. Modern Toilet, a popular Taiwanese restaurant chain that's expanding into China and other parts of Asia. The boy was looking at the poop-shaped lights and dish covers and the curry on toilet-shaped plates. Obviously the food is made to look like doo doo too. I’ll have the “green dysentery” please, and some hot tea.

Each customer sits on a stylish acrylic toilet (lid down) designed with images of roses, seashells or Renaissance paintings. Everyone dines at a glass table with a sink underneath. The servers bring your meal atop a mini toilet bowl (quite convenient, as it brings the food closer to your mouth), you sip drinks from your own plastic urinal (a souvenir), and soft-swirl ice cream arrives for dessert atop a dish shaped like a squat toilet.

"There's poop everywhere! Y-u-c-k," says 6-year-old Jordan Lien as he and his family dine at the Modern Toilet. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that this is stupid and gross, but apparently it’s the hottest thing in Asia since the American Outlet Mall and/or the nail salon.

As Jennifer Finch, an American who was dining there, described it, "They do it tastefully. It's all very clean." Honestly, how tasteful is a meal that looks like human excrement! Jennifer Finch is stupid and ought to have her right to return to the United States revoked!

"It's very progressive and irreverent, like a practical joke," says junior high school teacher Chen Kin-hsiang, who went because her students raved about it. "It's a little gross when you see other people eat," she says, "but when you're eating, you don't notice it, 'cause you're hungry and the aroma is appetizing."

I’m sorry, eating food that looks like shit is not progressive. Alternative energy use is progressive. Giving women the right to vote is progressive. Banning smoking in bars and restaurants is progressive. The root of the word is “progress”…if you could please enlighten me what type of progress eating shit off of a toilet and drinking out of urinal is making, that would be excellent. If it is gross when you see others eat it, its because it is. You shit eater!

Oh, but you don’t notice because you’re hungry. You’re eating food that looks like shit (literally)how can you not notice…how hungry can you be?

The reasonably priced food includes curries, pasta, fried chicken and Mongolian hot pot, as well as elaborate shaved-ice desserts with names like "diarrhea with dried droppings" (chocolate), "bloody poop" (strawberry) and "green dysentery" (kiwi).

Finally, I took this picture with my phone at Hershey Factory. It appears as if they were doing “research.” This one shall be known as the “Hershey Squirts,” to be served with rice…of course.

To read the full CNN.com article, click here. It is written by Natalie Tso, I wonder if she is any relation to the General...I do enjoy his chicken, no shit!

Obama at Wizards v. Bulls

2009-03-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

Obama frenzy is still cookin’ in the nation's capitol. Just this past Friday, President Obama was at the Wizards v. Bulls game at the Verizon Center. The pictures tell the story.

Have you absolutely lost your head?!?!?!

2009-01-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

What's up with Asian on Asian violence at VA Tech?

In April of 2007, Seung Hui Cho’s massacre killed 33 students and teachers.

On Wednesday, January 21, 2009, yet another student was murdered. This time Asian on Asian violence. No, not a shooting…not a stabbing either…not a poisoning…not a hit and run. When was the last time you heard of someone getting beheaded!

The Washington Post Reports:
Xin Yang, 22, arrived at Virginia Tech on Jan. 8 to begin her graduate studies in accounting. On a school form asking for emergency contacts, she gave two names: her mother and a fellow graduate student from China, Haiyang Zhu. About 7 p.m. Wednesday, as the two students drank coffee at the Au Bon Pain cafe on campus, without so much as a harsh word, a raised voice or a scream, Zhu pulled out a kitchen knife and cut off her head, authorities said.

The story continues…
Police recovered the knife and took Zhu, 25, a PhD student in agricultural and applied economics from Ningbo, into custody without protest. According to an affidavit, Zhu was holding Yang's head when police arrived.

Really...somebody has been playing a few too many hours of Mortal Kombat.

When police asked if Zhu had other weapons, he informed them that there were more in his backpack. The affidavit says that Zhu's backpack at the cafe was found to have "several edged weapons" along with a laptop computer, a copy of “Hidden Tiger, Crouching Dragon,” several digital cameras, a tea pot, and a plush Hello Kitty toy.

Seriously though, the Asian on Asian violence is getting out of hand. A beheading in a cafeteria over coffee…really!?!?!? Lets be honest, that’s not the kind of wound that you can sprinkle some pork fried rice and oolong tea leaves over and go on with your day.

What does it say about our society that when you Google "VA Tech Beheading" that in 0.11 seconds 43,700 results come up...Crazy!

At some point you really have to question the ability of VA Tech officials to keep students and faculty at least moderately safe (to include heads attached to bodies), for real.

Now, I assume if you are reading this that you have a shred of common sense. However, there is an offer lot of DUMB floating around and I am quite often proven wrong with such a blanket assumption so I will say this: It is awful that someone got murdered, especially by someone she knew. It is awful that her family has to go through the pain of losing a child thousands of miles away from home. It is impossibly terrible that this had to happen at VT after a University is just beginning to re-collect itself after the massacre of 2007. What is funny is how absolutely ludicrous it is for someone to be “quietly” decapitated over coffee in a University Café during prime dinnertime hours by someone who was not only her friend, but one of her emergency contacts. How does this happen? Get it now, See You Next Tuesday!

One For The Good Guys

2009-01-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

Blame Canada.

They are everywhere. Even if they’re not, you know if they’ve been there. They shit everywhere. You never see just one. They are part of a migratory gang that never seems to actually migrate. They are on every single golf course I think I have ever been on, they have been on soccer fields that I play on, they are on (or around) the monuments and museums in Washington, DC. They’re everywhere except where they belong: either Canada or dead.

I hate Canadian Geese with an unrelenting passion. If there were no more of these useless, annoying pest the earth would be a better planet. They’re mean, arrogant, and have perpetual diarrhea. What’s to like about them. They suck. They’re Canadian. They are, in fact, the terrorist of the animal kingdom.

Despite all my loathing of such creatures I have done little to remove the species save for swinging golf clubs (and missing), chasing (while yelling), hissing, spiting, praying, etc. I’m a disgrace.

America has a hero who has retaliated against this Canadian war of aggression.

"Go ahead geese, make my day!"

C.B. Sullenberger is a hero, a patriot. Yesterday, the US Airways pilot saw a flock of these geese and decided to take matters into his own hands. Today, these particular monsters saw their last day as Sullenberger flew his plane right into them with complete disregard to potential consequences. The governor of New York called it, “one of the most spectacular days in NY history” in referring to the successful extermination of this particular flock of geese.

Thankfully, this story has multiple happy endings. The plane landed safely and securely in the Hudson River and the Canadian Geese he was aiming for are no more. Mr. Sullenberger, you should receive a medal!

Raise your Cristal, put down the Krystal

2009-01-06T05:19:00.000-08:00

An editorial note, stereotypes can be funny and only exist in this country because they quite often are proven true. It doesn’t make you racist or prejudice, it just means you have a sense of hummer! If that lil diddy didn't make you smile, stop reading, loser!

When the holiday leftovers start to taste a little blah, don't lose hope –
Barack is here to save the day…

Introducing…

Barack Obama Inauguration Hot Sauce

Maker: Toodarnhot.com of Owensboro, Ky.
Price: $6.99Size: 5 fluid ounces
Heat Rating: It’s a six on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the hottest.
Ingredients: Habanero peppers, vinegar, onions, tomatoes, lemon juice, Hennessey, salt and garlic
Why: “It’s change you can taste,” says Charles Bristowski. The habanero peppers give it a little kick, but not enough to deter an unseasoned hot sauce consumer, he says. “It goes well on everything from chicken to collard greens.”

Gone are the days of only being able to turn to Krystal (not to mention other honkey-fied sauces such as Tabasco). Really get behind “Change” and change your hot sauce.

For those who prefer their food hot-sauce-free, this souvenir is more than a condiment -- it’s a collector’s item, Bristowski says. “You may not have heard, but this is the first election of an African American as President. “African Americans tend to love hot sauce so such a union in the name of change seemed appropriate. This is a milestone election and these sauces will be something to put on your shelf for the rest of your life. It’s a unique sauce for a unique time,” he says.

There is also preliminary findings that Obama hot sauce will increase one’s ability to beat gun charges, reduce one’s inclination to father children by multiple women (see NBA athlete), and that rubbing this hot sauce on your skin can double as cocoa butter.

Barack Obama Inauguration Hot Sauce can also be purchased at local hotel gift shops including the Grand Hyatt on H Street and the Hilton on Connecticut Avenue.

Some may find this bottle of politics too darn hot, while others will love to eat it up. Recommend washing down with a tall glass of Raspberry Iced Tea.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK...

2008-12-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

From The John Thompson Show on 980 AM, Washington DC.

Charles Barkley on why Kevin McHale has kept his job (General Manager of Minnesota Timberwolves) as long as he has.

“He’s been awful, absolutely awful…man, he’s gotta have pictures of people in that organization havin’ sex with monkeys to have stayed in that position as long as he has….”

Wow, I wonder if he really does?

From the World of Reality Fiction...

2008-12-30T10:34:00.000-08:00

...some things can not be made up, EVER.

A lingerie football league player is suing her ex-lover after he allegedly posted nude pictures of her on the Internet and emailed them to her mother (story here or here).

TAMPA - Melissa J. Berry, a rookie linebacker with the Lingerie Football League’s Tampa Breeze, doesn't mind prancing around in public in her underwear. But the 24-year-old model and Lingerie Football League player draws the line at a former boyfriend - a safe dating expert - posting nude and intimate photos of her on the Internet. Ahhh…Rookies!

First of all, there is a Lingerie Football League…are you kidding me??? What sort of Perverted, Mustache wearing, Dungeons and Dragons playing Myspace Predator thought this one up. That opens up an entirely different set of WTF questions that I won’t even bother getting into.

Berry, who hails from the most depressing place on Earth —Downer’s Grove, IL— clearly had a father who did not love her and probably inappropriately touched her at some point (just my guess…I watch a lot of Dr. Phil plus I listened to a lot of Dr. Drew on Love Line back in the day).

Anyway, Berry has sued her former man thing Mark Dawson in Hillsborough County Circuit Court today, saying he tried to extort, humiliate, and hurt her by showing the photographs to her mother and friends and posting them on MySpace.com without her permission. The actual lawsuit itself, here.

Remember: He is a “safe dating expert”…whatever the fuck that means!

She said he should know better because he markets himself as an expert on "healthy relationships" who has studied "success, performance and human behavior for over 25 years."
Dawson said Berry, who used to be a dancer at Thee Dollhouse, willingly posed for the photos and that he "never made anything public.” I do think it is quite ironic that an expert on healthy relationships chose to date a stripper / dancer / “underwear athlete” and that such an expert thought that a healthy relationship could evolve.

"This is nothing but an ex-girlfriend trying to cause problems," he said. "For her to say that these pictures were taken against her knowledge is untrue because she is smiling in them.” Well of course she is smiling, who wants to shove $$$ in the G-String of someone who looks like they just lost their favorite pair of 8 inch Lucite stilettos? I know I don’t! “She takes her clothes off for a living and tells people I am doing all this other stuff. What she's doing now is creating a drama because there are pictures out there of her."

Ms. Berry sees it differently.

"If I wanted to take my clothes off for a living, that's what I would do,'' she said. "There's not a photographer that has ever taken those sorts of shots of me. It's more of a privacy thing. It's not for everyone else to see."

Wait wait wait…isn’t that exactly what you do for a living. Lets see, first…you used to be a dancer at a place called Thee Dollhouse. Now I am not an expert, but I would suggest that this is not a studio where you practice ballet, rhythmic gymnastics, tap dancing, or even the horizontal mambo. It would seem to me that the only reason you’re concerned about your privacy is that people weren’t paying a cover charge to see it and buying you $17 Fuzzy Navels.

She said in her lawsuit that Dawson used his cellular telephone to take several nude photographs of her, including one taken without her knowledge of her "engaged in a particularly private, intimate sexual act."

Not that anybody cares but, shortly after the photos were taken, the lawsuit contends, the couple broke up.

Two of Berry's friends were later at the club Dolce Vita Lounge in Channelside when, according to the lawsuit, Dawson approached them and showed them the photographs on his phone. The friends called Berry. She said she was horrified and emotionally distraught, so she approached Dawson, took his phone and destroyed it. She clearly was so horrified and emotionally distraught because a stranger has NEVER EVER seen her naked. That is not what goes on at Thee Dollhouse, no way!

Unbeknownst to Berry, the lawsuit said, Dawson had downloaded copies of the photographs from the phone.

Berry said Dawson sent her mother an electronic message Nov. 10 saying that if Berry wouldn't pay him $500 to replace his phone, Dawson would make the photos public.

When Berry refused, the lawsuit said, Dawson or someone acting on his behalf posted the photographs on MySpace. Berry said the photos also were e-mailed to her mother. Her mother was clearly distraught because even though her daughter worked at Thee Dollhouse and was a Lingerie Football Player that she probably still a virgin and had never partaken in such acts as the blow job. All of Downer’s Grove, IL must be in absolute shock to discover how far one of their own had fallen from the nest.

Later, she says in the suit, he approached her employer – the Tampa Bay Breeze - in an attempt to post them on her employer's MySpace page.

Dawson said he sent the pictures to her personal MySpace page and that Berry gave approval for them to be posted.

He also acknowledged sending the e-mail to Berry's mother with the picture attached.

"I could have had her arrested and I didn't," he said. "All I wanted was this phone back. I am a decent guy. … It's girls like this I fight against in the work that I do." Way to score one for the good guys man…you’re such a hero…I guess.

Berry is seeking unspecified damages in excess of $15,000.

Get ready for the quote of the day…

"I am scared of what it will do to my career," she said.

WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!?

Now I am no expert in her line of work, but I feel that her career as a stripper and Lingerie Football Player will not be harmed by having nude pictures floating around or being caught with your mouth full. And if for some reason the LFL doesn’t work out, Larry Flynt…speed dial #2.

The Eagles and more from the "Girl Next Door"

2008-12-18T07:16:00.000-08:00

What is the easiest way to know how the Philadelphia Eagles season is going? Other than the fact that they tied the Cincinnati Bengals and their franchise quarterback says “I didn’t know dat, coach!”

ANSWER: From Philly.com. You have a Playboy Playmate question your play calling. That’s right, the Eagles are so bad that someone who takes their clothes off for a living feels compelled to offer football advice. Now this is a team that is still alive for the playoffs, and apparently to make it, Donnie McNabb needs to throw the fade route to Hank Baskett more.

Now I know what you’re asking. Who the fuck is Hank Baskett? Well, he is the 4th receiver on a Philadelphia Eagles team that starts a rookie and a white guy at wide receiver. His real claim to fame is that he is a phone sex partner with Playboy “Girl Next Door “actress” Kendra Wilkinson. When you play in the NFL and your claim to fame is phone sex it is not too hard to read in between the lines…he’s not very good.

"They need to get it to Hank more. He's kind of like a Plaxico Burress kind of player. He's tall and he can jump high," Wilkinson said.

Nowadays any comparison to Plaxico “Coach, dey is no rule dat say you can’t carry a loaded gun with no safety on into da club in the waistband of my sweatpants” Burress is probably not favorable. But since Hank goes over his cell phone minutes with Kendra every month discusses the X’s and O’s and proper execution of a Donkey Punch, Cleveland Steamer, Turkish Snowcone, Portugese Breakfast, and/ or a Dirty Sanchez he doesn’t really have time to be packin’ his sweats.

"Donovan needs to throw the fade a little bit more to my man. He throws the fade to the wrong man. He always tries to throw it to [wideout] Kevin Curtis and it never happens. Every time he throws it to Hank, it happens. I don't know why they don't do it to him every time. He can jump over anybody."

Well of course Curtis can’t catch it, white men can’t jump.

And Centerfolds can’t coach. I don’t know what’s funnier. The fact that she’s offering advice, the idea that the Eagles might listen, or the fact that their play calling is so predictable even a stripper can figure it out.

Fly Eagles Fly
On the road to one more tie...
Hit 'em Low, Hit 'em High...
Or Don-O-Van might cry

He should listen to the skank
...and throw the fade to Hank
on the road to victory...
but if they can't
He'll throw the slant...
interception 1-2-3

Again in overtime,
with no time left to score...
McNabb finally listens to the "girl next door"
Another tie on the books...
more questions from hell...
and Hank's in the corner talkin' on his cell.

Ravens’ Fans and “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”

2008-12-12T11:15:00.000-08:00

The most remarkable thing to me about the Baltimore Ravens’ experience was not the $5 24oz beers, the $9 made to order Crab Cake sandwiches, the ease of parking, or person wearing shorts in 20 degree weather with 30 mph wind gusts off the water. NO, all of this seemed relatively pedestrian when I came upon Purple Camoflage Pants. And no, the picture below doesn't do the gayness justice.

"Taint Juice Afficionado"

You see a few pairs of these and you think to yourself “what a dumb ass.” But I didn’t see just a few pairs; I bet I saw a thousand. Everyone had these on and out of an announced crowd of over 73,000, I am sure that I didn’t even begin to scratch the surface on the amount of people who hopped into their purple camo gear that evening. I can honestly say that I bet close to 10% of the crowd probably had the dressed as if they were playing hide and go seek in fields of lavender and GAY.

These Ravens’ fans are clearly out of the closet, but “don’t ask, don’t tell!”

She-Males Unite...

2008-12-12T07:50:00.000-08:00

In Your Face, Ellen DeGeneres.

Some things you just can’t make up…

I’ve never been, but assume that some things are just different on the West Coast. California might have been the first to legalize same sex “unions,” but their northern neighbor wasn’t about to be trumped. In fact, Oregon, once only known for legalized euthanasia and Pinot Noir now have something else to put on a postcard.

Oregon has gracefully upped their state’s “What the Fuck” quotient to remarkable proportions.

This November while many Americans were crossing party lines to vote for Barack Obama, Oregon citizens were voting for a cross-dressing mayor.

Silverton, OR residents have elected the man who's believed to be the first ever openly transgender mayor in the United States.

Stu Rasmussen (pictured below) served two terms as the Mayor of Silverton in the 1990s. But he hadn't admitted to being transgender. He's not the same man now that he was then. Today he wears a skirt and high heels. He has breast implants, and long red hair. He looks like a woman - but he's not.

"I identify mostly as a heterosexual male," Rasmussen said. "But I just like to look like a female."

Rasmussen is a man. He even has a girlfriend. He says he's always been transgender, but he only "came out" a few years ago.

It's Rasmussen's knowledge of the issues, and of the town, that won over so many voters. As one voter said, "Stu's very devoted to this town, even if he’s not devoted to his gender." He’s also very devoted to his “junk” as he hasn’t decided to cut it off and go for the more popular “MANGINA.”

Top that California. Go ahead, Ellen...become a man and then we’ll talk!

Taint(ed) Love???

2008-12-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

A copy-editor for Time Magazine has clearly taken the day off. The article is not important, because PUNNY or not, the headline says it all. Is this just a mistake or a clever allusion that President-elect Obama might secretly enjoy..."the taint?" No commentary needed. The headline says it all...

What the BUCK-eye?

2008-12-05T07:09:00.000-08:00

From the Associated Press.

For years college advisors used to be charged with helping Freshmen pick out a major, find clubs and organizations that were best suited for them, giving time management advice, as well as general acclimation into the University lifestyle.

THE Ohio State University has added apparently given their academic advisors a new responsibility. Get students laid.

Talk about someone wanting to be the “cool” teacher/advisor a little too much. Christopher Johnson, an Academic Advisor from THE Ohio State University organized an invitation only party highlighted by a $10-a-ticket raffle for an evening with a Prostitute. Now that’s a party favor.

You can’t really blame the “cool” teacher/advisor…he was becoming more involved in THE life of THE students at THE Ohio State University, namely extracurricular activities. What a citizen!

To further up the “what the fuck” quotient of this story…the prostitute’s day job…child sex-abuse counselor. I guess with the economy spiraling downwards, new methods of recruitment are encouraged at the Franklin County Department of Children’s Services. Officially, the agency is looking into whether the prostitute, Vanise Dunn, violated any of its policies.

Now I am not an expert, but I would expect that (for a child sex abuse caseworker), doubling as a Prostitute for college students would violate some sort of ethical and professional standards set forth by the state of Ohio. I could be wrong. I have never been to Ohio, but I can infer that they do things a little different over there.

A Plaxico Poem

2008-12-02T05:32:00.000-08:00

Big Dummy Plaxico, stand up and take a bow because...

YOU'RE STUPID!

...and you got (and are getting) exactly what you deserve.

By the way...just in case you're not familiar: click here.

And now without further ado.

A Plaxico Poem.

There once was a man from Green Run,
Who went to a club to have fun,
He put on his sweat pants and plenty of bling,
But there was one more thing he remembered to bring.

Now at the club…
The party was crackin’
And Plaxico Thug was certainly packin’
As Lil Jon blared to the beat

OOOKKKAAAAAAYYY!!!!!

As he walked up the steps
A gun fell from his sweats
Then all of a sudden…
A shot muted the bass…
And you could tell all was not right by the look on his face.

And all in a hurry…
People started to scurry…
Whilst Antonio tried…
To hide…

The gun somewhere inside

Plaxico had shot himself in the thigh
And no one really knows why…
All you can guess, by the way that he dressed...
Is that he got what he deserved afterall.

A Photo Essay: Donovan McNabb's Benching

2008-11-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

Poetic?

The Anchorman crew on Donovan McNabb.
Brick Tamland: "I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation."

Brian Fantana: "Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy. "

The way I see it...

I need a...

NFL Week 12: Photo of the Week.

2008-11-24T05:31:00.000-08:00

Introducing the...

"Atomic" Horse Collar Tackle.

photo: www.courierpostonline.com

NFL Fan of the Year...so far...

2008-11-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

Meet Mr. Lion, Meat-a-ball, and Plumpkin.

Seated right to left: Mr. Lion and Meat-a-ball. Not pictured: Plumpkin (wide-left).

The head portion of the Lion is actually a hat.

__________________________________________________

I wish I would’ve gotten a better shot. Lions’ fans do not like to be photographed as a novelty.

You have to give Lions’ fans credit. They are loyal to their team after fielding losing team after losing team for the better part of western civilization. Not only do some of them come to games, but this guy who brought his two sons actually dressed up as a Lion. Now that is damn dedication, to dress up like the king of the jungle when you’re the punching bag of the league. Ironic?

As a Redskins fan visiting Detroit for the first time, I was unreasonably lucky to have been given the opportunity to sit directly behind this individual and his two sons. Meat-a-ball’s brother…also not likely to miss a meal was seated beside him. He could not be photographed due to the fact I was sitting so close without a wide-angle lens. Too bad. I shall call him Plumpkin. He is unimportant in this story, but worth mentioning since he’s not in the picture. Meat-a-ball, is probably 11-12…probably weighs about 200lbs…shaved head which makes it look even bigger…he is about 5 feet tall. To say his name is fitting is about as honest as saying the Lions aren’t very good. Plumpkin was a 4/5 scale replica of Meat-a-ball but with curly hair and a Barry Sanders Jersey.

You might think I am making fun of these guys. And I guess I probably am, but I do think that they are remarkably great fans in support of their team. Here’s how they pulled it out:

I mean the guy dressed up as a damn Lion to come support a winless team. I dare you to beat that.
Mr. Lion did not appear to be drunk (and was not drinking). This is amazing just considering how he dressed himself that morning.
He rolled (possibly literally) his two masses of offspring Ford Field.
The whole family was all about the Lions even singing along to the live performance of the Lions song that played after each score (watch).
Mr. Lion got up and cheered for everything like the Lions just received another no. 1 overall pick with each half yard gained. He yelled at opposing fans calling them donkeys.

DONKEY: I’m not sure what this “Michiganspeak” means, but I used context clues...equivocates to calling someone an idiot. There were a lot of Donkeys in Ford Field that afternoon. We, being directly behind them, were not. In fact, we “were cool” even after I whispered into his ear that “you’re 0-8.”
Mr. Lion made threats to visiting fans showering them with intermittent "i'm going to kick your ass" statements hidden in between countless references to "donkeys." All in good fun. Ahhh parenting in Michigan...a cross between 8 Mile, Raising Arizona, and The Wizard of Oz.

They were optimists in speaking of who they might get in the April 2009 draft. This showed hope for improvement considering they’ve had a Top 5 pick since the NFL mandated players wear helmets.

His kids called others donkeys. This might not be great parenting, but it showed support of their Dad, it showed support of their pathetic football team, and it was hilarious to hear a pre-pubescent Meat-a-ball yell at Redskins fans six rows down and 25 seats over… “Sit down you donkey.”

The best Meat-a-ball moment was when Chris Cooley had a catch and I like the rest of the Redskins contingent yelled “Cooooooooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyy.” Meat-a-ball in a very quiet voice said, “stinks.” That was awesome.

I do very much regret not getting my picture taken with this crew. Out of everything that happened in Detroit and everything I saw (from crack houses to the world’s largest tire), my everlasting memory of the state of Michigan will be the Meat-a-ball/Donkey family seated in front me. Talk about things that make you say “WOW.”

Again, if anyone can beat this crew...I would love to see it.

Oh, and just because some things are unbelievable without photographic evidence.

If you’re ever in Detroit…eat here.

Donovan McNabb for MVP...Most Valuable PUTZ!

2008-11-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

Donovan McNabb sucks. His skills don’t, but his judgment is off base, cocky, and more importantly blatantly inaccurate. This does not even cover his inability to know the rules of the game he has played since being drafted out of Syracuse more than a decade ago. It seems as if the Eagles QB has suffered more from escalating delusions of grandeur in the past than his annual physical injuries. Henceforth, Donnie McNabb shall be known as “Dopey.” Its one thing to have a big mouth, but back it up and be honest, Dopey is neither…in fact from time to time (no matter how conditioned you are to his stupidity), he’ll surprise you.

I don’t have anything against the Philadelphia Eagles as a team other than the fact that they play my beloved Washington Redskins, but I have consistently grown to absolutely loathe their quarterback’s cockiness, disregard for reason, and willingness to accept the fact that sometimes they JUST GOT BEAT ON. It seems as if #5 has absolutely no understanding of the word professional and for a veteran and the team leader, this is inexcusable.In lieu of just going off on Dopey, I feel like sometimes…he’ll say it best himself. And, examples are always fun…here we go, a few of my favorites:

In reference to the Oct. 5th game against Washington, McNabb had this to say (the remainder is commentary from the newspaper author):

“Not taking anything away from them, but there is no way this team is better than us,” Donovan McNabb said, after the Redskins (4-1) ran for 203 yards to 58 for the Eagles (2-3), out gained the Eagles 388 total yards to 254, piled up 22 first downs to the Eagles’ 14, continued their streak of no offensive turnovers in 2008, and converted 10 of their final 15 third downs, after starting out 1-for-4, while the Eagles managed all of three first downs, total, after the first quarter.

No Dopey, no way they were the better team, except for the fact that you were dominated throughout the game, in every facet of the game in your own building save for the first 6 minutes. You’re right. No way the other team was better. You are so smart.

Pre-Season 2008 after being 8-8 in 2007.

"A lot of people have picked us to win the NFC, and rightfully so," said McNabb, suggesting all business in a plain white T-shirt and ball cap. "It's not that hard to see the type of team we have. You don't win NFC championships or the NFC on paper. You put it out on the field. Our team hasn't changed that much where we can't win the NFC again."

No, of course not, there is no reason you can’t win the NFC dopey… I mean you’re only 4 years older and have a lot different team. You don’t think it’s different. I’ll give you some things that have changed: For one, you’re not as mobile as you were. Two, T.O. and Stallworth have been replaced by a guy whose claim to fame is having phone sex with a Playboy bunny and a rookie. Also, when you’re best receiver is a 5’10” white guy whose hurt you’re in trouble. You do not have a short yardage back. You might not know this, Dopey, Brian Westbrook could not run over a punter much less a 350lb lineman. You have a young defense that is vulnerable, especially deep over the middle. This also may be news to you, a lot of Defensive Coordinators realize that you favor (read have a hard-on) for the check-down to Westbrook and game plan it instead of using it as a last resort on coverage/pressure. Offensive play calling has become questionable. I know you think Brian Dawkins is still an elite safety because you remember back when he was good. Dopey, we say the same thing about you. Dawkins, however just comes to play. You’re like an iPod on shuffle, ranging from comments you can’t back up on Sunday to not even knowing the rules of the game.

Reflecting on “could’ve should’ves” in 2007.

“We beat the Cowboys last year, and we should have beaten them in the first game,” said McNabb and continued to say “The Redskins, we should have beaten them the first time. The Giants, we should have beaten them both times. It’s not just teams in our division; it’s the NFC, period. I feel like we can compete with all of them. If you ask those teams, they’ll tell you the same, that we have the type of team that you have to look out for.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the Giants set an NFL record for sacks against you Dopey? 12, I believe. You probably fumbled at least once, my guess is twice. Probably no interception that week as it’s a lot harder to throw them when you’re staring at turf instead of receivers. Lets be honest, you were as good as your record was and you’re as stupid is as stupid does.Following losses to Chicago and Washington in 2008.

"It was embarrassing, these last 2 weeks. They’re two teams we should not have lost to,” McNabb said. He continues “It’s what we didn’t do – not what they did, but what we didn’t do.”

I tell you what’s embarrassing. YOU. And maybe even more so that the Philadelphia fan base and ownership loves you so much that they haven’t collectively told you to shut the fuck up. As much as it pains me to say this, the Eagles organization deserves better than your garbage. On a side note, I hope they keep you forever because they’ll never win with you and you do make for good comedy based in senility.

On someone cutting out the part of the NFL rule book on ties.

"I've never been a part of a tie. I never even knew that was in the rule book. It's part of the rules, and we have to go with it. I was looking forward to getting the opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game. But unfortunately, with the rules, we settled with a tie."

Clearly, you’ve never been part of team meetings either. Do you even know how to read? How many years are you in the league before you sit down one off season and say to yourself? “Dammit, I’m going to look at the NFL rulebook this year.” In all fairness, is this something a team leader even admits to his team, that he doesn’t even know the rules. That doesn’t exactly breed confidence in my opinion.

For as much as he runs his mouth and generally seems like an individual bordering on senility, even Dopey made me stop Sunday afternoon and say “wow, what an retard.” Not knowing the rule book, really??? For the Philadelphia Eagles, they would’ve been better served with a loss than the acknowledgement that the individual whom they have pinned their franchise on over the course of the last decade has no idea what is going on in the game or what its rules are.

What he needs to say on his own Yardbarker.com blog is: I am a stupid man. I talk too much. I say things that aren't even remotely true. Oprah gave me a hug and I thought I could be Superman. We're not winning because Lincoln Financial Field has outlawed batteries giving the opposing teams an unfair advantage, back in the good 'ol days our fans would stun defenses by pelting them with batteries and we would line up and finish them off.. I am not what I used to be physically. My Mother told me that if I ate Campbell's Chunky Soup every day that all my hopes and dreams would come true. Those included becoming a Clown. My team is not as good as it used to be. In case you're wondering Andy Reid has 8 Philly Cheese steaks while before kick off and is a competitive eater, very competitive. Tony Robbins videos do not help. I cannot read. I should just shut up and play football.

Dopey, you are what you are…a senile, big mouthed, prima donna who can’t back it up on Sunday. Until there is a change, the Eagles will always teeter on an average team with above average expectations.

HOW FAR HAVE WE REALLY COME???

2008-11-14T12:08:00.000-08:00

Change. Obama. New Direction. History. In the aftermath of this month’s Presidential Election, these words have become synonymous. Like most of our country, I voted for Barack Obama. He is quite simply the best, most authoritative, assured speaker I have ever heard. I believe he was (and is) the best candidate between the two. I am glad that he is my President-Elect, but I would question that words such as change do not necessarily go hand and hand with Obama’s ascent to the Presidency in regards to race.

I did learn some important things about our country and its varying demographics within it. Most importantly, race issues…and maybe even racism, are not going away any time soon. I also think that an election such as this has an opportunity to hamper race issues as much as it does improve them. I think that to a degree race is a taboo subject in the United States, meaning one that you don’t touch publicly, but that is often talked about privately. Almost anyone who dares to touch this issue is often cast as culturally insensitive, prejudice, narrow minded, and/or racist. Lets be honest with ourselves about where we are.

The amount of people that voted this year were record breaking. Obama was masterful at getting out, not only the minority vote, but also the youth vote. Both of which are historically apathetic. You saw stories on CNN about how people in their 90’s had never voted before, but were this year. One that stood out, was a 96 year old African American lady in Georgia (I believe) voting for the first time because she “had never felt compelled to vote/believed in a candidate so much” before. Instances such as this lie the major problem in my opinion. Are we to believe that our economic crisis or energy forced a 96 year old African American woman to get out and vote for the first time? If you believe this, you’re stupid.

Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you think Barack Obama would have won if he was a Republican candidate?
Do you think that there were voters that cast their ballot for President-Elect Obama based solely on his race?

Is it possible that the reverse of this is also true with Whites voting for McCain? Absolutely, in fact, I’m sure of it.

We’ll never know these answers, at least not any times soon. You can’t get into the head of a voter in the voting booth.

This election was seen as historical because it was the first time an African-American was elected to the Presidency of the United States. For that fact, it absolutely is historical. But to crown this event in history as unifying our country is off target in my opinion and has done nothing to mend race relations. Race, as an issue, is still very alive in parts of our country, on both sides of the black/white fence from coast to coast. The true historical day will come when we cast votes as a country based solely on their policies and not on their skin color.

VOTER APATHY and THE REDSKINS TICKET

2008-11-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

If you vote for the 2009 NFL Pro Bowl…please do not follow directions of your favorite team and “Vote the Redskins Ticket.” How many more weeks are we going to drown in pleads from the Washington Redskins to vote for their players to be included in this year’s Pro Bowl.NFL PRO BOWL Fan Voting has gotten out of control in and around the greater Washington DC area. If you stumble onto Redskins.com or the Redskins blog or a variety of other media sources e.g. radio, etc., you more than likely will hear the phrase “vote the redskins ticket.” Further, pulling into FedEx Field on Sunday I was almost bombarded with (what I will call) official propaganda urging all fans to vote all of the Washington Redskins into the Pro Bowl. Even the Washington Post has jumped on board. Let’s be honest, as much as we love our team, every Redskins player should not be a Pro Bowler. In case you haven’t noticed, other teams have good players too. Yet, those teams haven’t gone to these lengths. Not Philly, not Pittsburgh, Giants, Titans, not even the Dallas Cowboys.So the question to be asked comes to this: Why, this year, are the Redskins making this a big deal? Well, I think they are marketing it off of the Presidential Election and the fact that they play in Washington DC (a market dominated by national politics). That is the easy answer. I think the truthful answer is that Dan Snyder does not like to be out done by the Dallas Cowboys, and more specifically Jerry Jones. As you may have heard, the Cowboys sent a NFL record 13 players to the Pro Bowl last February. That is ridiculous, considering the Super Bowl Champions sent one (Osi Umeniyoura…sp). If any team was going to have 13, it should have been New England.Anyway, time for some more editorializing. What is the one thing that Redskins Fans hate? THE DALLAS COWBOYS. Right you are. However, its not just the players we despise, its their culture, their attitude, the way they do business, their brash cockiness from the players, owners, and fans…real fans despise their sense of entitlement to greatness, rather than achievement. These things have been part of the Dallas Cowboys for decades long before their lame duck coach, brash owner, and T.O. needing a Time Out. These are the roots of not only why we despise everything Cowboys, but why the rest of the NFL does too. The Pro Bowl is yet another example.By pushing fans to vote numerous times to elect their own to the Pro Bowl, the Redskins are in a way bringing themselves down to the level of their arch nemesis. Accomplishment with out earning/achievement and in a way this also sets a very bad example: that it’s not how you perform, but how popular you are that get you places. Not the right message. The Pro Bowl should be an honor, not a popularity contest like the MLB or NBA All Star game. How many years in a row did Vince Carter start for the Eastern Conference? How many years should he have? I know the answer to the latter is very close to (if not) zero. He won a popularity contest because he could dunk. Same can be said for Jose Canseco and a host of other undeserving players. Roy Williams is not a pro bowler. It will be interesting to see if Romo makes the Pro Bowl after missing 5 weeks. My money says ABSOLUTELY. So back to the Redskins, are many of our players deserving? Yes they are. Can other teams make the same claim, YEP. I don’t have a problem with fans voting because I think the dumb people who vote all of their team will be cancelled out by 31 other fan bases, more or less. KC and Detroit fans should just know better. You get the point, I hope.My problem is with the Redskins pushing it down the throat of the fans. Trying to one-up the Cowboys when in reality we are bringing ourselves down to their level. We are not the Dallas Cowboys. It’s ok to remind fans to vote for the Pro Bowl, but another to shove it down their throats in all available mediums in order to compete with the Cowboys. I do not want others to question the selection of any Washington Redskin in Honolulu. Sonny Jurgensen urging us to vote and “approving messages” that do so just makes us look stupid, like we are trying hard to get our guys in there rather then letting their play on the field demanding it.I’m all for us having several Pro Bowlers, no doubt. However, it should be an achievement determined by the product on the field and NOT be correlated with popularity, jersey sales, or relentless campaigning. Help to maintain minimal legitimacy to the NFL Pro Bowl and vote those players who are actually deserving. Burgundy, gold, or otherwise. HAIL.

I just don't get...

2008-10-21T07:58:00.001-07:00

1. People who get personalized vanity license plates. Is there something that you feel that strongly about that you need to advertise this on your vehicle? What are its benefits? You don’t get to see it, hopefully you’re driving in and out of traffic with the music blaring talking on two cell phones trying to feed your infant going 75 miles per hour. Are they trying to be clever? Sometimes they are, I guess, but that fraction of a second where I’m like “hey, that’s clever” is quickly smothered by “Idiot!” Then, I want to pull up just to get a look at the moron who chose to pay just to have that put on their plate. “Bchlvr.” You’re a beach lover??? No one cares. Is the motor vehicle license plate the proper medium for such a declaration?
2. “Carnival type” people who play music by rubbing their fingers around the top of one hundred glasses filled with differing amounts of water. Its cool and kind of amazing, I just will never get who puts in enough time to become an expert at this. This may be the ultimate example of someone with no friends growing up.
3. Women who get visible tattoos on their breast. That’s all.
4. Marathon runners. Ok you’re keeping in shape, good that’s cool. You’re not good at team sports, ok. You don’t get along well with others, gotcha. Here is what I don’t get. What makes you want to say to yourself, “hmmm, I think I’m going to go run 26 miles today.” So the mindset for the length is nutso in itself to me, but fine…who in their absolute right mind would ever want to get up at 5-6AM on a Saturday without breakfast and run 26+ miles. I don’t care, that shit just doesn’t make sense. Oh, and you getting a runners high is silly too…you’re body has just run so far it has given up on you as a human being!
5. People that are violently against medical testing on animals. First of all, don’t make lab mice out to be multi faceted creatures with complex emotions and thoughts. At the end of the day, they’re just mice and I don’t care who you are or what you say. MICE DO NOT HAVE RIGHTS. And I would challenge anyone when faced with a choice of your mother’s life or a mouse, and which one to save, that anyone would actually choose a mouse. Get real, this is stupid. Also, wearing fake fur jackets covered in fake blood doesn’t make anyone think about animal rights. You big bloody furry dummy!
6. Cab driver’s who park underneath bridges and start doing jumping jacks. I just saw this yesterday and couldn’t believe my eyes. What makes anyone want to jump out of their cab and do a set of calisthenics? Weird, which also strengthens my view that Washington DC has more out and out crazy people than anywhere else in the world. Not that this is that normal, but I saw this the other day and it blew my mind…so its here.
7. Decaf coffee drinkers. You people are the ultimate addiction that is overlooked. Lets be honest coffee on its own is not delicious. I drink it, who doesn’t…but its not because of the taste most of the time. Black coffee is damn awful. So to order a decaf is you saying look… “I’ve got a problem, I can’t get off of the juice, but I don’t want the side effects.” Admit your addiction and quit or at least dive all the way back in, get some benefit with regular, and say goodbye to your caffeine deprived shakes.
8. Cigarette smokers that are so addicted that they are willing to stand outside in the freezing cold in the rain under zero cover just to smoke a cig. That’s dedication to an addiction.
9. People that love horror movies and go to the theatre to see them. Does anyone really like to get the living shit scared out of them that much. Why don’t you just drive around a bad neighborhood until you run out of gas with no cell phone.
10. Mothers trying to cross busy streets without being anointed with the “walk sign” and poking their stroller…followed by their head around corners to look for oncoming traffic. Why put your baby up as a sacrifice to the metropolitan traffic gods in order to save 16 seconds.

Welcome...

2008-10-21T07:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blahhhg. I know you’re probably either here because you’re my friend, or a loser, or by mistake. I’m cool with that and I hope that you’ve made peace with it too. Bring it, you old wooden ship. Hopefully i'll be able to sling it to the heavens, ha!